Matt's Journal

6:34pm: You have done nothing but drown men’s soaring desires in a delusion of sanctimonious immorality
I thought of something to compare social anxiety to. The way it’s always felt for me is like a drug. A really, really shitty drug. It's always beckoning and calling you, and you just want to give in and stay silent. It feels good momentarily, but then when you realize what a detriment it is you become flooded with sadness, anger, or whatever else. You have complete control over it, although it doesn't feel like it at all.

My legs are so fucked up from my new work out plan. I think I need to take a day off.

Well, in recent news, I'm most likely going to drop all of my current classes and get a job. I need time away from college. I am not getting any satisfaction or feeling of reward from being there. Maybe I'll go back someday, maybe I won't. I feel very unhappy being in school and it'd be beneficial to me if I had a job - both for economic and social reasons.

If I can't meet up with John to talk about it then maybe I'll send him an e-mail and try to arrange something. Getting a job at the gym would be awesome.

Oh, and I recently discovered the greatness that is Deep Purple. Great, great band.

10:30pm: Between dreams and reality
Music is an incredible thing. Once you master interpreting the emotions of music and sound I think you become better at dissecting the meaning behind literature, paintings, and other forms of art. However, I think music is by far the best expression of the tangible and the things we can't articulate with words or paint alone. To forge such beauty sonically...it’s amazing. You can feel someone’s pain, anger and sadness through sounds alone. How fucking cool is that?

Music has made me cry before, but why? Realistically, it's just a collection of sounds that my brain tells me I am hearing. How did I come to the conclusion that it was meant to be sad? Did society come up with some kind of outline of what qualifies for "sounding" sad?

Music grabs what we're unable to fathom in our minds and puts it out in the open. An artist that masters the art of music has the power to invoke emotions in people. To me, that is something more powerful than any weapon ever will be. I remember when the Camila bullshit was going on and I was really emotional, I'd listen to Fade to Black, or Nothing Else Matters, or some melancholic classical piece among a variety of other depressive tunes. They gave me the power to cry and grieve over the pain I was feeling.

Inadvertently, I think music has saved my life and my sanity at times. It kept the inner fire going to know that someone out there understood the kind of pain I felt (or feel, whichever way you look at it).

Had my appointment with Leigh Ann today and I thought it went well. We didn't get to finish revamping my chart, but we're going to finish it on Friday. She's so nice to me, not to mention beautiful. If you can't tell, I am still anticipating her. I don't know what time will bring me, but one thing is for sure -- it's going to be interesting!

12:27am: Believe what I say or burn in Hell!
I hate it when my mom tries to discourage me from chasing after what I really want. In this case, it's a woman. Well, fuck that, because I'll show her that I can do what I want to do.

The reason she's discouraging me is because she knows I'm deeply focused on it and when I can't do what I want to do she can tell that it doesn't make me feel good. Well, apparently she thinks I'm too focused and that I've lost my sense of everything around me. Fuck that, I'm not resting until I accomplish my goals.

I'll show her that I can do it, because now I'm fired up.

I'm thinking I need to order a few shirts online tomorrow as well. BAND SHIRTS.

9:07pm: I'm not clandestine or arrogant - just shy and anxious
Social anxiety is the fucking worst. I see Leigh Ann often and I become paralyzed because I'm worried about getting everything right. As impossible as it is to be perfect, I always visualize that that is how I have to be when I talk to someone I am attracted to. Its like, you don't want to strike a conversation at the 'wrong time' and then you end up missing a bunch of chances. You also don't want to come off as trying too hard. You just want to be yourself since that is what most people like you for anyways.

When I think of all I've been through I start to become angry at the thought of having being wired and created the way I was created. It makes me think "What kind of fucking God would put a man through all of this?" I don't mean just the present, but my past as well. I try to be optimistic and just focus on what good things He (if He even exists) gave me.

My resolution has been to break my social anxiety or at least make significant progress. I know that the wheels are in motion, but it really discourages me when I can't apply it to certain situations (like talking to Leigh Ann). What the Hell am I so afraid of? She's human just like me. Well, there is always tomorrow, but sometimes I become exasperated by always waiting for tomorrow or the next chance. I need to take more chances and just jump in.

Often when I'm just thinking about stuff I'll come up with scripts to use when I talk to her. I need to get some one on one time when she's not busy, but its hard when you're in a working environment. Bugger.

10:36pm: My feelings.
I sent this to my mother via e-mail and thought I'd post it here...just to put it out there. As of yesterday, I haven't really felt well.

*******************************************************
I have chosen to write down my feelings and what has been making me feel that way, since I have honestly not been in the mood to discuss it in person.

I am both irate and down. While the gym being crowded did play a part in it, I am angrier at myself for not having a chance to talk to Leigh Ann. As of late, I constantly ponder as to whether or not there is a significant other in her life. At times, I figure that she probably does (31, she's pretty, etc.) and that it's not fucking fair because things like that always seem to happen to me. In reality, if it were the case, I know it would not be the end of the world...but for God's sake, I'm tired of looking for someone. Can't this just be the one for once?

I am not friends with Camila (South American girl) for a variety of reasons that have passed. All I will say right now is that what came out of it brought a lot of mental anguish and wasn't a pleasurable experience. I may or may not elaborate later, depending on my mood.

On the other hand, I think that Leigh Ann may still be single. I have a variety of social problems that are both innate and learned. That sad thing is that I can completely eliminate it whenever I want...but I feel as if I have no control. I always think to myself..."this isn't fucking fair...not at all."

It enrages and saddens me. I just want a fair chance at Leigh Ann, is that so much to ask? At times it seems like the 'playing ground' has never once given me any kind of advantage. In this case, why couldn't I be older? Why can't I be more social? Can she be single? There are too many questions and I often end up thinking too much.

I went into this knowing she may be in a relationship...so I guess I should be prepared to reap the consequences of the seed I sew months ago when I knew I was taking that chance. It makes me wish life was more like the movies, but unfortunately, it isn't.

I've ranted enough. I might discuss more at a later time. Who knows.

-Matt

*******************************************************

2:58am: Answer this
Stolen from Boris, aka agentsteel.


1. When did you first "friend" me?

2. Why did you first "friend" me?

3. What posts of mine do you like to read the best?

4. What would you like me to write about that I don't?

5. Do you think we would be friends in real life?

6. How often do you read my journal?

7. What do we have in common?

8. Will you post this in your journal so I can answer?

9. If I were a fictional character, who would I be?

5:16pm: Social blockers
Yesterday was going fairly well until an occurrence took place, which left me pretty angry. I was working out like usual, I had said Hi to Leigh Ann and gave her a smile/wave, and she did likewise. Anyways, it was around 5:30 and I knew she'd be leaving soon. So, I took a break and went over to the water stand and began drinking and waiting for her to finish getting her stuff packed. So far, so good, but then something went wrong.

There is this new trainer at the gym who was hired last week or so. Every time I've seen her there, she looks like she doesn't know what the Hell she's supposed to be doing. She always walks around talking to people, letting work pile up, so it gives her an excuse to avoid having to actually do any. I hate these kinds of people - the ones who know they should be doing work, but they mingle around and procrastinate whenever the opportunity presents itself. So, what does this have to do with it?

Well, right as I was moving in to talk to Leigh Ann, the super bitch comes around and starts yapping about stupid bullshit. Seriously, don't you have anything better to do than block my chances at a much needed social interaction? At first, I was thinking she'd just stand there and let Leigh Ann walk away and say good bye, but no...she follows her all the way to the damn door (which is a bit of a walk). Thanks a lot - thanks to your lazy ass I have to wait until Wednesday (she may not even be there because of Thanksgiving plans, but I don't know) before I get any interaction with her again! It's possible she'll be there Monday or Tuesday, but it's not likely.

Luckily, I had my Burnt Offerings CD to keep me company while I was reveling in my anger.

5:00am: ...what...
Well, I have discovered the magic number. Leigh Ann's age. Undoubtedly it is a figure I did not expect at all. Now, things will be even more difficult - so much that I wonder if it's even really worth trying at all. Leigh Ann is thirty one years old.

How the fuck? She looks like she's in her early/mid twenties. Well, when I heard that I can't deny that it screwed with my mood pretty badly. Then my mom starts asking me why I'm all down (she's the one who told me in the first place). Gee, I wonder what it could be? Don't be so damn dense.

I would not have a problem dating someone that old, but the question is would she have an issue with it? Is she even fucking single? I don't even know the answer to that! On some level, I feel very discouraged and wonder why the Hell I even bother trying with this kind of thing -- it all seems to end up in ruin all of the time anyways. It's one of those times where you just want to crawl away from mankind and not show yourself for a good few hours; either that or just sleep.

Well, on the bright side, I did get an 86% on my Psychology exam. Dr. Palmer came in pretty pissed off because exactly half the class failed the exam. I wasn't even expecting anything above a C, considering I only had the chance to read two of the three chapters. Dr. Palmer gave a huge rant about what college is about and all of that stuff. I can understand his disappointment entirely.

This reminds me - I've been blasting Iced Earth's "Burnt Offerings" cd a lot as of late. I really didn't like it all that much when I first bought it (which was a little over 2 years ago), but it has steadily grown on me. Still, something about it seems off to me, and I can't put my finger on what it is.

My jaw is finally healed after the removal of my wisdom teeth (I had them removed on Election Day) and it took about a week for it to heal up. I had to constantly take painkillers and anti biotics...it was a pretty painful aftermath.

Meh...I'm not feeling like writing anymore. I am extremely tired and I need to rest...

Wish me luck.

Good night.

5:11am: Pardon
Pardon me for being rude and not replying to comments. I have been occupied lately and have felt kind of withdrawn from even looking at anything I've written. I do not know why that is at all. I guess I'll give some sort of update on stuff after work/studying/excersise tomorrow. All I know is that I am very tired at the moment and I've still got studying to do.

5:28pm: Stupid stuff
If you're going to hate one specific religion you may as well hate all religions or be a racist. Yes, I know race isn't a factor in this sort of discussion, I am just connecting the dots. Hate all religions or don't bother, because you just end up looking like a condescending idiot. Seriously.

3:30am: I would...
I would write more about whats going on, but right now I am tired, in pain, and the painkillers I am taking make me very drowsy. So right now I am just going to put down one of many dreams I've had as of late.

Leah-Ann and I were coming out of the McDonalds in Del Mercado with some drinks. She went to her
green SUV and stored some stuff away and then told me she was ready to go back to the Club. I told
her I'd walk with her for my pleasure. We got to the entry of the forest and I let her go in before
myself. She was wearing her red shirt that read "TRAINER" on the back side and her black shorts
(which displays her wonderful body quite well).

She never wears her hair down; instead the locks of dirty blond hair are always tied back. I was
constantly observing her beautiful body as we held discussions ranging from our personal lives to
superficial things. We walked side by side for awhile, which promptly increased my mood, because this
was something I had been hoping for. Finally, I had time to talk to her about a variety of things with no
interruption. I wanted nothing more than to hold her and caress her body and lock lips, but I was under
full control and was being a gentleman.

My desires were always strong for such activities, but I am able to harness self control. Eventually, we
got to the club and she promptly thanked me for being such a sweet heart. I was happy to recieve such a comment from her. After this, I woke up.

What a pity...I was pissed that it was just a dream.

12:15am: Zealous sports fans strike again
It's somewhat ironic to watch the news and see those brain dead baseball dolts parading around the street robbing stores and setting shit on fire. I've got nothing against people who like baseball, but I do have something against stupid people. While I was watching the news a day or two ago, I saw footage of angry or happy (I could not tell) baseball fans trashing the streets and burning shit in the intersections. This is what I don't get about fans that take a stupid game so seriously.

You didn't win anything. A team that happened to be from your state won. What exactly have you personally accomplished? Nothing. People go out and burn shit over a stupid fucking game regardless of the fact that the outcome of the game has nothing to do with them.

I just get annoyed when I see idiots setting fires in the street because the state team lost/won/whatever and people wear the team around like they are a part of it and they somehow contributed to victory or were cheated out of it when they lost. You are not a member of the team - you just happen to live in the state in which they are from. Again, what is the point? Wow, you burned a chair in the middle of the street, what are you trying to prove?

I just thought of some statements I often hear that are pure bullshit:

1) I'd rather be poor and happy than rich and unhappy.

Lie. Who in the right fucking mind would choose to be poor? Even more, how the Hell can you be happy when you're constantly in debt, can't pay to go to school to learn the skills you need for a good job, don't have food to eat, and you can't get a job because no one wants to hire you? Bullshit.

2) Money can't buy happiness

Lie. You may not be able to satisfy your lack of satisfaction with life with material possessions, but all that money can sure as Hell buy you all the legal anti depressants you need along with all of the possessions you want. Anyone who says this is automatically full of shit on so many levels.

I had some others, but I can't think at the moment.

Whoever is reading this is probably thinking I am pissed off and feeling pessimistic. On the contrary, I am feeling average. Each day that I get to talk to Leah-Ann, I feel better. Mom, Brit, and I discussed what I should or could do. Mom and Brit both think there would be little to no ethical issues if she decided to date an ex-client such as myself.

Mother also recommended maybe joining one of the classes that she runs, which isn't a bad idea at all...but it depends on when it goes on. If it's early in the morning on Saturdays then that option is automatically vetoed. The issue remains that there is never enough time to engage in deeper conversation because her job rarely permits it in terms of her schedule. This is why I’m more or less considering taking the training from her.

My mother commented on the fact that if I am attracted to Leah-Ann, then I most definitely have good taste in women. For some reason, that made me feel good. She says I have good standards as well. Albeit, I already knew that, no one has cared to ever acknowledge it. If anyone has any good pick up lines for the ladies, let me know. Cheesy helps too, because it adds comedic flavor to the conversation. I don't really get to show her who I really am in our conversations, given that they are very compressed. I'd like to just be more of...well...me.

That's easy to do, but given that I am trying to act more proper for the first few times I can understand restraining myself a bit. I'll come out of my shell more and more as time goes on. She'll see who I am and what I am. Hopefully she is not taken...

2:31am: Wow, its been awhile.
Damn, it feels like it has been forever. Where do I even start? A lot of shit has happened since I last wrote about my life. Some good, some bad, but overall things have been okay...

Jon returned to the Cannibal Corpse forums and started releasing all of his racist/Odinist/elitest bullshit onto the forums. Since I help mod the place, I tried to keep the peace. I warned him a few times, until he told me to fuck off with my "PC bullshit", despite the fact that I hate being PC, but there is a line between being politically correct and just being a dumbass - a line that he chose to cross many times. So, I unleashed a huge statement on him:

Ha-ha, that is ironic. You fucking lie so much you believe yourself, don’t you? I never banned Christhammer in all of my time as admin and you fucking know it. The only thing I ever did was change his signature and that was it. How could I have banned him if he came back later to bitch about his signature being changed?

You want to talk about banning people for personal reasons? Okay, let’s see: You banned Oliver for no reason at all, other than the fact that Amy was going out with him. He committed no bannable offense, but you fucking did it anyways. Reeking is a hot topic too, because there were no pictures of his dick like you said. You said that women who weren’t regulars came to you after you’d deleted your account.

So, let’s get this straight: Somehow, these women knew you had been an admin and managed to contact you without any contact information on the forum? Am I the only one who sees this as inconsistent?

Let me make one thing clear: you do not run the forum anymore. You gave up your position, took mine away, didn’t give it back when you said you would, and then you come back and expect everyone to shut up while you babble out of your ass? Sorry, but your vision of reality seems to be somewhat distorted. The moment you resigned as admin, you recognized that you would not be the police force of the forum any longer. But what did you do? You used a back up account to log in and ban Matt.

There are some differences between us: only one of us tells the truth and has the capacity for competent thinking and it sure as Hell isn’t you. Soon after you started getting into Black metal and reading about paganism, heathenism and all of the gay rituals of black metal musicians butt fucking each other in the cold northern grim forests, you all of the sudden take on some kind of superiority complex and take to a “racialist” view point.

Tell me. What’s the difference between racialism and racism if you believe in racial superiority? Nothing. You are a fraud, a liar, and a dishonorable shit-eater. If you believe so strongly that you’re some kind of Viking or a “heathen,” then why don’t you follow any rules of honor like your ancestors intended? Maybe it’s because you don’t have any.

I’ll run this by you in a way that it doesn’t circumvent the penny-sized packet of neurons in your thick skull. You are not a Viking, a Heathen, a frost-bitten warrior, or whatever the fuck you think you are. You weren’t born in Vinland, Heathen land, or GayVikingLand. You were born in Canada and you are not your ancestors like you wish you were. If it means so much to you, then go tie that piece of shit Thor’s Hammer around your neck and sacrifice yourself to Odin. Who knows, maybe he’ll let you suck his dick when you get to Valhalla, you pussy.

You’ve always been bitching about people who lie and backstab, but the truth is that you are no better than the people you criticize. You’ve been full of shit since day one. Let’s see…

First you’re hoping for a relationship with Amy, but you talk sweet to Tammy and talk about how you want to father her children? Either you’re full of shit about one of them, or you’re no better than a cheater.

You threatened to kill yourself so that surgeons could take the liver from your dead body to save your retarded brother.

You claimed that you attempted suicide, but that the rope broke.

You said you had cancer and that’s why you had to shave your head, despite the fact that you told me explicitly that you had been a skinhead for six years.

You met your Nazi girlfriend, what, 3 months ago, and you’re saying you’re getting married and have a kid on the way.

Next, you told me your step father had a leg injury and couldn’t return to work, so you’d have to get a full time job to support your family. Well, you sure as Hell have been spending a good amount of time on the forums at different times of the day (you also told me you were going to stop paying for internet to save money) as well as hold down a full time job to support 2-3 people.

You constantly bitched and whined about leaving the forum because of a crisis in your life, but you were always back.

You tried to drive Joey off the forum by collaborating with Ross under the stealth of your secret forum. When Joey found out about this, he confronted you like a man and you tried to pussy out and deny it, despite the fact that I had the evidence to prove you wrong. Soon after he confronted you, you deleted that section of the forum to try to cover your tracks. You finally admitted to it when Joey put you in your place and exposed you for the fraud that you are.

Is anyone else’s bullshit detector going off yet? Mine is on code red. You’ve been fishing for attention throughout all of this time by baiting people with your melodramatic martyr stories. You know, it’s really a shame that it came to this. You hardly exist anymore – most of what you are is an imaginary story that YOU created. You act enlightened and superior, but how can someone who can’t even spell “very” or “story” even claim to have passed first grade English?

“Jon, O Jon, I thought I knew ye!”

After he read that, he threatened me by saying he'd get Keystone State Skinheads to go "gunnin'" for me. After that, he showed Erik a picture of two guns, two knives, and a shit load of ammo wrapped up in a Nazi flag. Initially, I was very worried, because the Keystone State (which is in Pennsylvania) is a little too close for comfort, despite the fact that Jon does not know what city I live in, nor my last name, or even my parents names. I contacted the local police and the FBI, and I got Yener to report him to his ISP. So that should be enough, I think.

I don't worry much about him anymore. He's a fucking piece of shit that lies for attention. The fucking pussy couldn't even threaten me himself - he had to get someone else to do it for him! What a tool.

Aside from that, my mother and I have been going to the gym (I go more than she does). She's got a trainer named Leah-Ann. Since before Leah-Ann and I formally met, I was already attracted to her, but over time that feeling has grown stronger. I do not know how old she is, but my guess is maybe 4-6 years older than myself (I'm 19, and will be 20 in April). Man, sometimes just thinking about it can make it difficult. The reason its difficult is because I know that given all of the circumstances, the chance of anything happening is lowered.

I've spoken to her a few times; one of them resulted in her sharing a personal event with me. She had just gotten home from Canada; she went there because her cousin had been missing. I asked her how her trip went, and she said it did not go well. So I asked if her cousin was okay. She said that he was not okay and that he had committed suicide and hung himself. I was certainly not expecting a response of that magnitude, so I was pretty stunned.

I had the urge to give more comfort aside from the cliché` "I'm sorry for your loss that sucks" thing. I want to talk with her more, but she's always so busy - her job is spontaneous and requires her to almost always be doing something. All I want is to take 10 minutes out each time we see each other and just talk, you know? But that won't ever happen with a job like this. Sometimes I hate myself for how I react to people that I happen to be attracted to.

It feels like shit to wish I could kill off getting my hopes up, because I know she may be in a relationship, or may not swing for me. But the more I try to repress those feelings, the stronger they become. It's very strange and is more than strenuous on my mood. My mom has suggested that I make an appointment with her (since I am entitled to it) but I figure that doing that could make things more difficult...because she may have ethical issues about going out with clients or ex-clients. Man, what do I do?

Do I take the training sessions, therefore opening up a shit load of conversation at the risk of ethical issues, or do I just play it by talking to her as much as I can whenever she's available (which isn't a lot, but I try to manage)? It sucks knowing that your attempts at forming a relationship may be in vain. She's not your typical lady - she's got confidence and self respect. I admire that about a woman, because it's so damn rare to find a female that possesses those qualities in their personality. I need to discuss this with Mom and Britt when I go to therapy on Wednesday...I want to know what Brit has to say about this and that.

I'm really trying hard to be more social and not have my "me" face on whenever I'm doing something. People always say I look pissed off...even though I rarely ever am. That's just my normal face. Why do people assume I'm pissed off? Why not the other asshole on the other side of the room, or the lady sitting on her ass? Usually everyone has a face like that when they aren't pondering about stupid shit. I guess it's just kind of a mask I've adapted to wearing.

Not so surpassingly, Michael got fucked over my Camila. I really thought something would happen, given how almost every relationship she enters usually ends. I guess I owe Brit a dollar. I don't give a fuck if you're reading this now - you've fucked too many people out of their emotions and taken too much for granted. You should be ashamed of yourself. Grow up, get some ovaries (as opposed to balls), and stop trying to escape from reality.

No, I am not being stingy; I am just telling you how it is. If you can't handle that, then that is fine. Stay in your fantasy world where guys don't have shitty days, where you think a relationship revolves around your needs, where you can keep pretending that no one can criticize your illogical actions when you act like a condescending chickenshit, and keep talking to people who are too scared to be realistic and will act as a haven from "mean people" like myself. You've already ruined the emotions of a few and I think its absurd that you continue on this god damn pattern and try to deny what a selfish, manipulative, emotional vampire you are.

I loved you, or so I thought, but you continued to drag and drag me along for your stupid ride. Good job putz, you've lost a friend. I'm tired of sugarcoating my statements for people who can't handle honest opinions - accept it and live with it or fuck off. Are you too scared to occupy yourself with your own thoughts? If I were you, I sure as Hell would be, because I wouldn't like what I'd see upon taking a long, hard look at myself.

It's a shame that it came to this, because I thought you had learned by now. I was wrong. There is no such thing as hopeless romantics. Only hopeless people. Pull your shit together or be hopeless the rest of your life. Damnit, I can't even believe it came to this. As Dave Mustaine once said.... "No more Mr. Nice Guy!"

9:04am: Whoa...
This happened a few weeks ago, but I forgot to mention it. It just hit me again yesterday.

In my psychology class there is a girl that I used to have psychology with in High School. She came up to me and asked me if I was Matt Pullen, and I confirmed that I was. She proceeded to tell me that her English professor made them analyze and study one of my lyrics that I submitted to the school literature books a year or so ago.
What was even more surprising was that the lyrics were something I wrote as dedication to a friend of mine who had died in a car crash during the time that I wrote it. What does it say at the bottom of the photocopy that she showed me?

"In loving memory of Christine Hegar (1985-2003)"

I was somewhat touched by that. I was more surprised than anything else, though. I can’t imagine how a college professor would feel so touched by my work that they’d want to use it. Heck, it wasn’t even my best piece of writing. I’m still surprised...

1:54am: Yeah.
I'm going to pull a maddox here...

Every time I hear someone say Dr. Phil doesn't know what he's talking about, I want to rip them a new asshole. "HES SO FAYK." Gee, thanks for enlightening me in the world of psychology, Dr. Dipshit. I suppose you are qualified to determine what is real in the world of psychology? Who the Hell gave you any authority over the rules of psychology? The answer is that no one cares what your uninformed opinion is, because your head was wedged so far up your ass that you didn't take the time to think about the bullshit you just threw up from your pie hole.

Unless you can explicitly tell us what relative refractory is, what the Cerebral Cortex does, or what de-polarization means, or anything else regarding the subject of psychology, then shut the Hell up.

"BUT HE SHULDNT GIVE ADVICE ON HOW TO LOOOSE WAYT WHEN HEZ PHAT"

Who are you to say who can't give advice on weight, asshole? Does a chiropractor have to have a normal body structure in order to practice their skill? Fucking discriminators. Give it up, you're not fooling anyone, and if you knew jack shit about psychology you'd be out consulting your depressed friends that cry themselves to sleep every night.

8:57am: Damn.
I've got a test in psych. in a few hours. I studied for at least a good 4 hours yesterday night, and I still haven't covered everything. I'll get off my ass in a few minutes and finish that. It'll probably take me an hour at least. Wish me luck, cause I'm nervous.... To pass some time, here is some thingy magig that I took from Rueben (is that how you spell your name, you damn jew?).

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
"Why the mud's flying so fast." (it was an article in newsweek about the mudslinging between Kerry and Bush.

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?:
Can of Diet Dr. Pepper.

3.What is the last thing you watched on TV?:
The news, which was a few days ago.

4. Without looking at the clock, what time do you think it is?:
Almost 9 AM.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?:
9:01 AM.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?:
Dismember blasting from my speakers. Other than that, my fingers hitting the keys in order to type out this damn thing.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?:
I went out to my car to get my hat. I was studying and my hair kept falling into my face. I got pissed, so I got my hat so I could wear it to keep my hair out of my face.

8. Before you came to this website, what did you look at?:
The Metal-Archives forums. The official Cannibal Corpse forums.

9. What are you wearing?:
Vampire Hunter D Bloodlust shirt, black shorts, my E3 hat (my uncle got it for me), black boots.

10. Did you dream last night?:
It is impossible to not dream. Its a matter of whether or not we remember our dreams.

11. When did you last laugh?:
Probably while I was reading my psychology book. Which was late last night.

12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?:
Super Bowl XVII Poster, which has been on this wall for God knows how long. A piece of photographic art, which is named "Fresh Paint." A shit load of bookshelves.

13. Seen anything weird lately?:
Not really.

14: What is the word most often used in your vocabulary?:
"Fag," "Bitch," "Fuck," etc.

15. What is the last film you saw?:
Gladiator, I believe. Saw it for like the tenth time.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?:
All of the albums I haven't bought yet.

17. Tell me some things about you that I don't know:
Molested at 7 years old...meh. If you know me, you probably already knew that.

I've never kissed anyone.
I've never dated.
I've never been in a relationship.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?:
I'll have to go with Rueben...destroy religion. As much as I don't mind peoples beliefs (sometimes I consider myself Christian), religion has been the number one cause for war and animosity in the world.

19. Do you like to dance?:
The closest thing I do to dancing is headbanging.

20. George Bush:
He's not the best President, but he's far from the worst. Despite popular criticism, he's rather intelligent and kind.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?:
I don't know. I can think of many names I like. Emily, Tarja, Erin, Jennifer, etc...

22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?:
Not sure, but there are names I like - James, John, Michael, David, Richard, Patrick, etc.

23. Would you ever consider living abroad?:
I don't know, but there are places I'd like to travel to. California, Europe, Texas...but I'd like to live in a city, I think. I love big cities.

1:09pm: Huhuh, you said penis.
Why does it seem like black metal fans are the biggest dipshits in the metal world? Just a random thought. Any who.

Skipped Psych today, because I had stayed about 10 minutes after with Jake to talk about stuff and I didn't want to be one of those people that walk into class 20 minutes late. This puts a good deal of responsibility on me to be uber prepared for my test on Monday. I brought in Iced Earth and played it for Jake. We started learning The Devil To Pay, even though I already know some of that song on guitar; he said we will learn the whole thing together. So that’s cool.

It’s Friday and I don't really have any plans outside of doing my cardio workout at around 3 or 3:30 today. I'd like to see Resident Evil, but I am also low on funds. I just remembered... I always see that hot trainer at the gym. Too bad she's married (I think?). Even though she's in her late 20's (possibly in her early 30's) I'd still date her if I could. The percentage of men at the gym greatly outweighs the percentage of women, let alone women in my age range. Occasionally, I'll see a good looking woman, but I decide not to say anything because I assume that A) they're out of my age range, sometimes it’s hard to tell. B) They're taken. C) What the Hell do I say?

"Uhhh, hey baby. You dig lifting' those weights? My dick can bench-press 10,000 pounds. Come home with me, or we can hit it up at your place."

'Sides, I am not feeling the most social when I'm exercising. Sometimes I will, but most of the time I'm on a mission to just finish and then get the Hell out as soon as possible. Not to say I'm uncomfortable...I just don't like to waste time. Plus, who wants to date a guy with little money? Even when I do get money, I prefer to spend what little of it I have on myself. Maybe I'll pass the time and write another review soon. I only hope I can make it as successful as my last, if not better.

Oh, and I found out recently. A former classmate of mine is in my psychology class. Apparently, her english professor chose to have her class study one of my lyrics that I submitted to the school literature book last year. It happened to be the song I wrote for Christine after she died. I find it a bit weird that a teacher would be so touched by my writing as to make her class study it. I'm honored.

1:10am: Wahcha cha cha cha
The review hath been finished and submitted. It was well accepted by many. Go me.

I was just thinking. Sometimes I'd really like to just go out somewhere, find a chick, and then just have sex. I care less and less about losing virginity, because the chances are, the first person I give it to won't be the love of my life anyways. However, I have no real compelling urge to do this either. I figure it's something that I should just do sometimes, but I also do not want to. I think sex is highly over rated by idiots these days.

DUDE ITS LYK THE BEST THIN IN DA WURLD!1111

People who let stupid shit like that possess their lives sicken me, to a degree. I feel the same about alcohol and drugs. While I occasionally like the beer, I think people who let it rule their lives and they feel they need it to have fun are definitely missing something essential in their lives. I'm not anti alcohol, but I think weed is retarded. What I hate more is how people brag about it.

HAY GUYZ I PARTEED SO HRD DIS WEAK AND Sm0KD 1000 BOLLS OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!!

I've always hated people like that. The ones that feel the need to constantly state their lack of sobriety. What the Hell even got me thinking about this? You know what I hate even more? People who bitch about things that they hate about themselves that they can change, but do not do anything to do so. This applies mainly with people who bitch about their weight. Why does this get me mad? For many reasons:

1) Most of the time the person in question is not as fat (or even fat at all!) as they think people perceive them as.

2) I used to weigh 280 pounds when I was 14 or 15. You know how I dropped 100 pounds? Work. Countless hours of exercise and extreme self-discipline.

Obviously, if people have so much time on their hands that they can sit on their asses at their computer and whine about it, then they can take some time out of the day to get some exercise. If you aren't willing to work for something that you want, then you obviously don't want it enough. This is what gets me angry - people want something without having to put in any real effort to get it. They always say they don't have time....BULL FUCKING SHIT.

There are 24 hours in a single day, and you're telling me you can't take AT LEAST one hour out of those twenty-four to get some real exercise? It frustrates me because I worked so hard to get where I am now...and when I see people doing little for themselves and crying when they do not get results just irritates me. Anyways...damn.

I need to come up with a power chord and tapping combination for class tomorrow. I think I have an idea in mind. Jake and I did tap harmonization last time. My God...it was easily one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard. It still is. It made my heart sing...it was incredible.

I was in therapy yesterday, and I was telling Brit about my feelings during the Camila incident. Now, I rarely ever cry...but when I went into detail about how I felt...the pain and all, I started crying in front of him. Not sobbing or anything, but the tears ran down my face. He's one of the only people who has ever seen me cry and for some reason, I wasn't ashamed or afraid.

Well, school tomorrow and all....should be a fun couple of hours. I really need to study for my Psych test on Monday. Yeah...don't want to fuck that up. Take care, everyone.

-MP

9:54am: Rape.
A friend of mine recently insinuated to me that she was raped by her Ex-boyfriend, when in fact, she did say "NO." The way she told me was that they had sex, even though she said no. I pretty much got her drift.

I do not know how long it has been since the incident occured, but from what she tells me, only a few people know (her mother NOT being one of them). Is there any way to approach this situation to get the fucker in trouble? Normally, I would not need advice on what to do in a situation like this, but I'm kind of lost on how I should go about this.

I'd say he has some 'splanin to do before I cave his face in.

These Vader lyrics are more than appropirate for the rage I feel:

Fury, hatred, bondage, pain
Anger, blindness, boredom, strain
Slavery, loathing, frenzy, tension
Phobias, fierceness, madness, grudge
Distress, pressure, burden, acid
Disgust, rage, malice, spite
Grossness, rancor, venom, grief
Panic, terror, violence, death

This is what you mean to me
My litany
My litany

Murder, shash, burn, destroy
Tear, erase, slaughter, scar
Drown, garrote, strangle, slay
Hang, bury, torture, finish
Deafen, blister, mire, flay
Repel, poison, corrupt, damn
Sacrifice, wipe, ravage, singe
Crush, forget, harm, impale

This is what I'll do to you

Cruel, false, mindless, plain
Evil, brutish, perverse, sly
Forceful, stupid, shallow, mute
Cowardly, jealous, gloomy, rank
Tainted, cheap, thoughtless, sick
Vindictive, savage, rotten, gross
Dreadful, useless, envious, dumb
Sleazy, lowly, mocking, sham

This is what you'll always be

Fuck.

1:21am: Guh.
I hate writer's block, I really do. I'm in the process of writing a review for Dismember's latest and glorious release, Where Ironcrosses Grow and I'm stuck on some parts. I really should take my English teacher's advice on how to write, but I've got so many ideas bubbling in my head that I can't just write everything down right away and come back later. I need to ponder; because the ideas are there...I just can't put them into words sometimes. Its part of my disability, I know but...bah.

*headbangs furiously to As I Pull The Trigger*

So, in psychology I learned a lot of interesting stuff. Neuron firing, the synapse, why cutters cut, the best way to say "I love you," and other things.

Why cutters cut -

When your body is hurt, your neurons fire and release endorphins (painkillers) in your body through the synapse (I believe it's the synapse, anyways). Kids always say they don't know why they do it...but that it just makes them feel better. Well, now you know why. It's almost like shooting up on morphine, except your body naturally provides it.

The best way to say "I love you" -

"Baby...when I'm around you, my axons de-polarize and my neurons fire up."

At least that's the best way for now. None of that shallow stuff...this has REAL depth. When I learn more, Dr. Palmer will tell us better ways to say it.

Oh yeah, I remember. Writer's block sucks. I've got a dentist appointment tomorrow so that Dr. Kawolski can refer me to a surgeon. I'm going to have my wisdom teeth removed, because they are really starting to cause me pain and discomfort. The little bastards are going down, yes they are. I'd like to finish this Dismember review before bed, but I don't know if I can. My thoughts are all cluttered, even if I have an idea of what I'd like to say.

BAH! I'll go to the gym tomorrow. Good times. Nothing much to really say.

7:58pm: Quiz Galore!
Stolen from a certain Thrasher. I'm bored as Hell, so why not. If I knew how to link it like he did, I would. But I am an ignorant teenager, so....

x. [Wallet] - Very old. Black leather.
x. [Hairbrush] - A large comb. It's called "Tangle Tamer."
x. [Toothbrush] - Green and white.
x. [Jewellry Worn Daily] - My grandfather's dogtags from World War II, but I hardly consider that "Jewellry."
x. [Blanket] - Green/Red/Tan comforter. Red sheets underneath it.
x. [Facewash] - Soap.
x. [Coffee Cup] - None.
x. [Sunglasses] - I have a pair of aviators that belonged to my grandfather, as well as a slick pair that I found at the Tennis Court one morning.
x. [Shoes] - Black boots.
x. [Favourite Shirt] - At the moment, my Death shirt with the "Scream Bloody Gore" album cover on it.
x. [Favourite Pants] - Jeans and cargo pants.
x. [CD In Stereo Right Now] - Car: Dismember - Where Ironcrosses Grow, as well as Dismember - Death Metal.
x. [Piercings] - One. Left ear.
x. [What You Are Wearing Now] - Poison The Well shirt, tan cargo shorts, underpants, socks, black boots.
x. [Hair] - Long, but not long enough.

[ When was the last time you ... ]

x. [Smiled] - Probably an hour or so ago.
x. [Laughed] - Hour or so ago.
x. [Cried] - Few months, probably.
x. [Bought] - Bottle of water from the campus soda machine.
x. [Danced] - NEVER.
x. [Were Sarcastic] - No idea.
x. [Had A Nightmare] - Not too long ago.
x. [Last Book You Read] - "Lords of Chaos."
x. [Last Movie You Saw] - Gladiator a week or so ago.
x. [Last Thing You Had To Drink] - Barq's Root Beer, right now.
x. [Last Thing You Had To Eat] - Maccaroni and cheese, three meat balls, and ten steamed carrots (with ketchup).

[ Body ]

x. [What Do You Like Most About Your Body] - My manly chest.
x. [And Least?] - Hair (needs to grow).
x. [How Many Fillings Do You Have] - One, top left.
x. [Do You Think You Are Good-Looking] - Facially, maybe. My body is not bad, but it could use some sculpting (which I am working on intensly).
x. [Do Other People Often Tell You That You’re Good-Looking] - Sometimes, but a lot of the time I think they're full of shit.
x. [Do You Look Like Any Celebrities] - I've been told I look like Trent Reznor as well as Tom Cruise. I see the resemblence with Reznor, but not Cruise.

[ Fashion ]

x. [Do You Wear A Watch] - Sometimes.
x. [How Many Coats And Jackets Do You Own] - A winter coat and a jean jacket.
x. [Favorite Pants Color] - Blue or black.
x. [Most Expensive Item Of Clothing] - Boots, probably.
x. [Describe Your Style In One Word] - METAL.


[ Your Friends ]

x. [Do Your Friends Know You] - I'd say they know the more outgoing side of me. The one that rarely talks about deeper personal thoughts and feelings.
x. [Are There Traits In You That Are Universally Liked?] - Shyness, maybe. The fact that I'm blunt.
x. [How Many People Do You Tell Everything To] - Anyone I can trust won't shrug it off or find that my talking about personal problems is awkward.


[ Music;Television;Books ]

x. [Favourite Band Ever] - Death.
x. [Type of Music Most Listened To] - Death and Heavy.
x. [Type Never Listened To] - Gay/pussy music.
x. [Favourite Book?] - "The Halflings Gem" by R.A. Salvatore.


[ General Questions ]

x. [Sunny or Rainy Day] - Sunny.
x. [Do You Consider Yourself Lucky] - Yes.
x. [Do You Feel Pity For People Who Commit Suicide] - Not really. They chose their own fate, why should I feel sorry for them? I know how it feels to want to do it, but I was never that stupid.
x. [Choose One Word To Describe How You Most Often Feel] - Okay.
x. [Do You Own Plaid Clothing] - Nah.
x. [Is There More Than One Zipper On Your Pants] - Haha, no.
x. [Do You Have Braces] - I used to, but not anymore.
x. [Does Your Hairstyle Exceed A Height Of Three Inches] - Wha? No!
x. [Would You Classify Your Hair As A Deadly Weapon] - Nope.
x. [Do You Have A Favorite Brand Of Hair Dye] - I don't dye my hair.
x. [Do You Own A Bandana] - Heh, yeah. From many years ago.
x. [Have You Ever Used Duct Tape As A Sewing Substitute] - Nah.
x. [Do You Like Candles] - Only during black outs.
x. [Do You Believe In Love] - Yes.
x. [Do You Believe In Soul Mates] - No.
x. [Do You Believe In Love At First Sight] - No such thing.
x. [What Do You Want Done With Your Body When You Die] - No idea, but I wouldn't mind cremation.
x. [What Are You Gonna Do When You Get Older] - Play guitar and go to shows.
x. [How Many Songs Do You Have On Your Computer] - Not many. 3564.
x. [What Band Are You Listening To] - Dies Irae - The Oceans of Filth
x. [Look Out Your Window... Tell Me What You See] - Miguel's house. My yard.
x. [If You Could Have Any Animal For A Pet] - Dog.
x. [What Is The Longest You Ever Stayed Up] - 47 hours, I believe.


[ Habits;Beliefs ]

x. [Are You Disgruntled] - Not generally.
x. [Are You An Anarchist?] - Far from it.
x. [Do You Smoke Cigarettes?] - No.
x. [Are You A Vegetarian?] - Fuck no.
x. [Do You Think Meat Is Murder] - Go to Hell.
x. [Have You Ever Slept In An Alley Or Park] - Nope. I've slept in the forst before, though.
x. [Do You Wash Your Hair Less Than Once A Week] - Every day.
x. [Have You Ever Gone A Week Without A Shower?] - I doubt it.


[ About Me]

x. [Age] - 19
x. [Birthday] - April 26, 1985
x. [Sign] - Taurus
x. [Location] - Silver Spring, MD.
x. [Status] - Single.
x. [Crush] - No.
x. [Natural Hair Colour] - Dark brown/black. I'm hesitant to say brown, because it doesn't look as such. It looks black, but I see shades of brown also.
x. [Current Hair Colour] - Same as above.
x. [Eye Colour] - Blue.
x. [Height] - 5'11.
x. [Shoe size] - 12.
x. [Parents] - Here.
x. [Siblings] - I wish.
x. [Live With] - Parents.


[ Favourites ]

x. [Number] - 66666666666666666666666666666 IM SO NEKRO AND GRIM A THOUSAND TIMES1!111!
x. [Color] - Green, black, red.
x. [Day] - Friday, sucka.
x. [Month] - May, because school lets out.
x. [Song] - Iron Maiden - Hallowed Be Thy Name.
x. [Movie] - Demolition Man, when Stallone was in his prime.
x. [Food] - Hamburger.
x. [Season] - Spring.
x. [Class] - Psychology, World History.
x. [Teacher] - Mrs. Katz. I wish I had some means of contacting her. Mr. Dismuke was awesome too.
x. [Drink] - Diet Dr. Pepper.
x. [Veggie] - Carrots.
x. [Television Show] - Seinfeld.
x. [Radio] - None.
x. [Store] - 7-11.
x. [Word] - Huh?
x. [Animal] - Panda, dog, guinea pig, etc.
x. [Flower] - NO BITCH.


[ This;That ]

x. [Me;You] - Myself.
x. [Coke;Pepsi] - Coke.
x. [Day;Night] - Night. I enjoy watching the stars on a clear night.
x. [CD;Cassette] - CD.
x. [DVD;VHS] - VHS.
x. [Jeans;Khakis] - Jeans.
x. [Car;Truck] - Car. Driving a truck feels like driving a tank.
x. [Tall;Short] - Tall.
x. [’NSync;BSB] - They both suck.

9:20pm: Dad's health.
I talked about this yesterday with Brit and it's been on my mind for awhile. My father has a bad knee, which is bone on bone, so it's very difficult for him to walk. Plus, he's overweight and that doesn't help the matter at all. I think it would take a lot of pressure off of his leg if he would put in some more effort to lose weight. I know he'd like to, but his drive isn't strong enough. Maybe he feels that since he's old now that it doesn't matter what direction his health goes in.

He always says he doesn't have time to go to the gym with me, or take walks, etc. But I know that is not true. When he gets home from work he reads the paper, eats dinner, then sits in his chair and watches TV for the rest of the night. I talked to my mom about this and she acknowledges my claim, but also says that she can tell when he gets home he's in so much pain...and that he doesn't like to show it. She feels that all he can really do after a tiring day at work is to sit and relax.

I can recognize that his job isn't easy, but doing nothing about his health won't improve any situations regarding the pain in his knee, or the length of his life span. What he needs to do is eat less, eat more healthy stuff, and exercise more. I've wanted to tell my dad about my feelings and my worry, but I don't know how. I think the impact would be more heavy if both mom and I told him our feelings on the matter at the same time...but even then I don't know how to say it, or when the perfect time to say it would be. God damnit Dad, you were the one who always told me that if you really want something then you need to work for it!

I've never been very close to my father. He'd always be away at work or something else, so even today it feels awkward to talk to him, because sometimes he feels like a stranger to me. I love him, but sometimes I feel I can't talk to him about anything. He's always kind of been the hardass of the family - the one who takes control and leads. I feel disconnected from my own father, who has always been in my life, even if he wasn't always there.

He helped shape me into who I am today. He taught me the importance of responsibility and hard work. Well, I guess it’s now part of my responsibility to comfort this tired old man and help ease his pain. This is sort of new for me. In some ways, it's scary. However, it's my responsibility.

By the way, I picked up at the store:
Dismember - Where Ironcrosses Grow

Fucking incredible album. That is all.

-Matt

8:49pm: Raaaaaaghhhhh!
As of late, I'm doing pretty well, with the exception of the horrible parking at school. I got the ticket paid off and haven't had any trouble with security since then. So far, school is very easy going - my psychology teacher is awesome and so is my music instructor. Dr. Palmer (psych) is very easy going and loves for people to be involved in class discussion, which is something I've longed for in a class forever. Jake (music) has been teaching me theory, scales, and all of that stuff, and he knows a lot about jazz and rock & roll (AC/DC, Van Halen, etc.).

I decided to take this guitar class for fun and despite the fact that I've already got 2 years experience in the instrument, he manages to teach me a lot of stuff I had not known before. It's been years since I've actually enjoyed going to class and listening to my teachers. Of course, I still hate getting up early and finding a parking spot, but it is a small price to pay. I'd like to see some familiar faces on campus, but I rarely do. I'd especially like to see Kristina.

Strangely, I've been much more articulate as I speak in person, as well as less nervous and self-conscious when I talk. I guess things will finally start looking up more, finally. Occasionally, I still become vexed from thinking about the Camila incident, but it hurts sometimes to look at her on MSN and see her "friend" display picture whilst I possess a lot of anger or disgust regarding the matter...for some reason it hurts. Sometimes I wish I had never met her or let her into my life, but I guess I can only benefit from all the bad stuff that happened by learning from it. Still though, I wish it had never happened.

If she wasn't going to wear the pendant I bought her, then I wish I could have it back. However, it's inappropriate to ask for something (which I gave her in the first place) back just because of the outcome of the situation.

I really need to go back and edit some of my reviews on Metal-archives, because looking back at them; they suck compared to what I could make them into now. I wrote a review fairly recently which people thought was very good. Even though it's just people over the internet, I've never really had people look over my work and say "Wow, that's pretty good." But it was so in this case - which makes me happy to know that I've definitely improved as a writer ever since I joined that site. I have the people of MA to thank for helping to improve my writing, for sure.

I really wish Dismember would tour in the US, I want to fucking see them live very badly. Over the course of a month, they've managed to become one of my top 10 favorite bands; who would have thought? I sure as Hell didn't think they'd be a favorite band, but now they are. Just for the sake of keeping track, my top 10 favorites would be (in no particular order):

Death
Iced Earth
Iron Maiden
Dismember
Mayhem
Burzum
Vader
Cannibal Corpse
Metallica
Children of Bodom

I am working on an Exhumed review at the moment and will attempt to finish it before I go to bed. The carpet guys were supposed to come yesterday to place in the new carpet, so we moved everything off the floor and such so they could do so. Then they call us at the last minute and say they can't come because their car broke down (funny, because 10 minutes before, they called Mrs. Knorr and said they weren't coming that day, so they were most likely lying). Idiots.

Went back to working for the old people today...and no raise in pay, despite the fact that this will be my third year working with them. Oh well...the pay sucks, but it's an easy job and I don't have to do it too often. Also, I watched Gladiator two days ago; I forgot how badass that movie is. It never got the attention it deserved. Russel Crow was badass in that movie.

Oh yeah, Jon is a fucking lying sack of shit. I swear... he isn't the guy I used to know when I first knew him...now he's just a flaming butthead. Oh well.

I'm still working out and still feeling good. I'll probably go to the gym tomorrow after school and lunch. I guess there isn't much more to say. Other than the song of the motherfucking post!


Dismember - Mistweaver

I put the 9mm glock to your head
And gently squeeze the trigger
Blowing out your fucking brains
On the wall in all kind of crazy figures

So what are you going to do now?
You piece of shit
How stupid can a man be
You've should have known better

Weaving my world
From the cord of your soul
As I slowly fuck
The bullet exit hole
Through the funeral mist
I drag you to my temple
Dead yet so alive
Living in my dreams

Nothing brings me greater joy
Than the memory of when I
Wiped that smile from your lips
The look of horror in your eyes
As I pulled out a gun
And pointed it at your fucking face

I am particularly fond of the last part (referring to wiping the smile off of the guys face), because I've been in many situations where I've wanted to do that to people who have pissed me off and gotten off on it. Now the track has changed to...

Dismember - Silent Are The Watchers

God damn, I love this band.

2:07am: Fuck!
This is fucked up. Give me a god damn break. Let me lay this out for you; you will be able to tell how stupid it is.

I go to a community college - probably one of the more popular ones in Maryland. Usually within the first few weeks the parking is a horrible atrocity - it fills up fast, even in the early hours of the morning. I have classes in the afternoon, so that's not an ideal time to have for the first week or two. I got to school about 30 minutes before my class started and spent at least 20 of those minutes cruising around campus looking for a spot to park in. Many others were doing the same thing.

Parking has always been an issue at my college - it fucking sucks. So, my class was about 5 minutes away from starting and I said to myself,

"Screw it, I'll park on the side of the curb where all of those other cars are."

So, I pull up behind one of the cars, check to see if it's a No Parking zone, straighten my car out, and go into parking mode. Everything looks good. I go to class, class finishes, I come back to my car, and some fucking douche bag security guard had put a violation notification on my windshield. I pick it up and look at it to see what the problem was. It was marked that my car was ON THE CURB when in fact it wasn't...

So I figure..."Okay, whatever, it's probably not gonna be much of a fine...so I guess it's...wait, what the fuck is this???!!! FIFTY DOLLARS?! YOU'RE KIDDING ME!!!"

This is fucking bullshit. I've seen kids selling weed IN THE SCHOOL and security is worried about asenine shit such as where you park your car and how far away it is from the curb. Security fucking sucks at my school; every time I've gone to them with a question regarding parking, registration, etc. they've been unpleasent and down right assholes. Fuck, this pisses me off.

I wish I could see the face of security guard "D.15" so I could fucking punch them in the face. It may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but I didn't do anything wrong...not a God damn thing. Not only that, but I can't afford the ticket either, so now I suffer the guilt of having to request my mother pay for it! I'll admit it...I'm not rich and neither is my family. Most of the stuff I have I worked for, but at the moment I am unemployed and broke. This is the first day back (a day where parking is especially hectic), where else do they want me to park? On the lawn? Fucking idiots.

8:48pm: Yeah!
Went to the gym again today; I've been going pretty consistently and it feels great to do so. I did weight lifting for about 45 minutes and then used this weird stepping/running machine. Holy shit, that gives such a good workout. On a normal run, ten minutes generally equates to around 100 calories burned (Depending on your pace), but with this thing I can burn around 200 in eleven minutes! I did it for 30 minutes and burned around 550! This machine fucking rules; what would normally take at least an hour of constant running can be done in half an hour!

On the side note...there is a fucking swarm of these huge bees that are making a nest on my porch. I told my father about it three weeks ago. One of the bees got into the house a few nights ago (these things are fucking huge, probably three times the size of a yellow jacket) and stung my father. He's allergic to bee stings, so maybe now he'll stop ignoring my warnings and fucking call the exterminator already. He wanted to wait until it became cold so that the bees would become dormant...and I told him "Dad, don't wait on that, man. Think of it this way, when your house starts flooding do you wait for it to fix itself? Just call the exterminator before it gets worse."

He just told me to wait it out and he'd take care of it once they became dormant, but...now that he's been stung, I think he's changing his mind. So now I'm constantly asking him if he's ever going to call the exterminator so that I can keep his memory fresh and he won't forget/procrastinate. Other than the usual, I'm doing well I guess. The power went out for a brief period of time a few days ago, so my father, mother and I ate out at New Orleans. Damn, that was a good dinner. My father let me have some of his beer, which was nice of him. I normally don't drink at all, but I drank down half of it.

I got my book for college and everything...now all I need is to get my parking pass. Does anyone know if when they ask for Student ID #, if they're asking for social security, or something else? I can't figure it out and I'm almost afraid to ask security, because they're such irritable bastards who (evidently) hate their jobs. Every time I've gone there they have been unpleasant and snippy. Ugh, why do these people take jobs like that if they aren't good with people?

On another note, my neck hurts from head banging while playing guitar a few nights ago. I really should be more articulate when I write in my Livejournal; sometimes I feel as though I present myself as kind of an idiot, because I don't use my vocabulary to its fullest. Maybe I'm just lazy because I'm talking about myself. Yeah...that's probably it. Class starts on Monday...ugh.

While I'll miss doing nothing for most of the summer, it'll be a nice and healthy change. I don't dislike school at all - I love learning...but some classes just really suck. Ah well, I can deal with it. Maybe I'll write a review tonight...who knows. Pointless update, but felt the need to make my thoughts known anyways. Have a good night!

Iced Earth - Valley Forge

Close your eyes and imagine
The soldier at Valley Forge
The suffering that he endured was real
Starvation, total war.
Yet in has eyes the iron will to win
And for the cause, he won't relent

[Chorus]
Would he look upon us now
In anger and disgust?
His politics a birthright and our creed
Will we let ignorance and laziness
Bring our demise
Complacency, we're blinded by our greed

Standing barefoot, frozen bloody hands
His musket clutched, an iron grip
And for the cause, he has but one regret,
He’s only got one life to give

[Chorus]
Would he look upon us now
In anger and disgust?
His politics a birthright and our creed
Will we let ignorance and laziness
Bring our demise
Complacency, we're blinded by our greed

It's time for us, to open up our eyes,
And cherish the lives we all can have
And to the ones who've kept our freedom free
Words can't express all that you've done

[Chorus]
Would he look upon us now
In anger and disgust?
His politics a birthright and our creed
Will we let ignorance and laziness
bring our demise
Complacency, we're blinded by our greed

By the way, my thoughts go out to Jon Schaffer. I heard that he is going to be a father! That's somewhat funny, because I was thinking the other way about the subject. I thought "When is Jon going to have a kid? I know he'd probably make a kickass father." Congrats to Jon!

Oh, and congrats to Tim Owens as well! I heard his wife recently gave birth to a new child! Congrats Tim and Jon!